The Sudden Stop

I have a fear-phobia of heights. I fear heights where a fall would see me doing myself a serious injury. I have a phobia of heights where a fall would result in my death. I guess I really have a fear-phobia of falling. Or, more precisely (as the old joke puts it) of the 'sudden stop' at the end of the fall. I have a fear-phobia of seriously harming or killing myself (dying).

Ironically, paradoxically, I also have (when up at a great height) a powerful, almost overwhelming urge to jump. And I have a fear-phobia of that urge to jump because to jump would have the same end result as falling.

I am not consciously suicidal. I have never thought of climbing to a height and jumping. But once I find myself at height I want (and don't want) to jump. I know logically that to jump would mean either great harm or death -but that's not why I want to jump. I don't know why. So, I can't explain why -even to myself. All I know is that I want to jump because I want to jump. I have considered that I may have a subconscious or unconscious desire for self-harm and suicide. It's possible. But I don't think so.

I really should investigate/research this whole fear-phobia of heights, falling, the 'sudden stop', with the urge-desire to jump thing.