Once

Once I was a daffodillo (part daffodill, part armadillo) – but not any more.
I was once a honey whale. However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was a marshmallow bat but not any more.
I was once a strawberry key. However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was an invisible sailing ship but not any more.
I was once a ticking cotton bomb However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was a candle that dripped blood but not any more.
I was once a cradle of love but not any more.
Once I was a turtle pillow but not any more.
I was once a penguin diary. However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was a map to happiness but not any more.
I was once the paragon of tasty stew. However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was a tearful carousel but not any more.
I was once a term deposit on an igloo. However, I am now no longer so.
Once I was a piescraper (part pie, part skyscraper) but not any more.
Now I am a collection of the things that I once was but now am not.

The ABC Of Thin Walls

INT. NIGHT 

Apartment A
Man: C'mere, F*ckin' C'mere, I'll give you something to cry about!!!!!
SFX: General commotion, things breaking, woman screaming and
crying

Apartment B
Voices in unison: We call upon thee Satan...

Apartment C
SFX: Strange musical thudding noise

Night Apartment D
Wife: What is that guy in Apartment C doing?
Husband: I'm not sure but it sounds like he is jumping from
his lounge onto the floor while stricking the E chord on his
Bass Guitar.
Wife. What a f*ckwit. 

Apartment E:
SFX: A CHILD SCREAMING.

Apartment F:
SFX: Woman having an orgasm and the distinctive sounds of a
squeaky rubber duck.

Apartment G:
Boyfriend: Hey, listen, Duck-girl's at it again.
Girlfriend: Man, she really works that ducky.

Apartment H:
SILENCE

Apartment I:
SFX: Burglar alarm

Apartment J:
Girl: I AM THE QUEEN OF THE LILY PADS!!!!
Boy1: How much did she take?
Boy2: Dunno
SFX: Gunshots.

Apartment K:
SFX: SNORING.

Apartment L:
SFX: LOUD MUSIC; (House,Rap, etc) Drunk people talking loudly, stoned people laughing and giggling and making inane remarks.

Apartment M:
Man: HEY YOU C*NTS IN APARTMENT L BETTER F*CKIN CUT OUT ALL
THAT NOISE YER MAKIN', BECOZ IF YOU F*CKIN DON'T STOP
WITH ALL THAT BOOM, BOOM, BOOM CRAP THAT YOU CALL MUSIC I'M F*CKIN COMIN' UP AND GOING BOOM, BOOM,BOOM, WITH MY F*CKIN
GUN!!!!!!!

Apartment N:
Man: SHUT THE F*CK UP ALL OF YOU, I GOTTA GO TO WORK TOMMOROW.

Apartment 0
SFX: Sounds of woman being raped.

Apartment P:
Man: Oh,yes! Mummy,yes! spank my bottom, I've been a bad boy!

Apartment Q:
Woman: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thine name...

Apartment S:
Man: That's it, bitch ,swallow it, that's what I'm paying you for!

Apartment T:
SFX: Barking Pit Bulls

APARTMENT U:
Little Girl: Daddy, why does Mummy wash her hands SO many
times?


Apartment V:
SFX: AC/DC's 'High Voltage' album being played with drunken boys singing along.

Apartment W
Silence.

Apartment Y
SFX: Water running and the Joy Division's: Love Will Tear
Us Apart Again.
Woman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY BABY GIRL!!!!!!!!
Man: Go call 000, and Ill get her out of the bath,and try and stop the bleeding...f*cken stupid teenagers.... Hurry!

Apartment Z:
Woman: I love you
Man: I love you too

Is This Delicious?

I was doing my grocery shopping at Woolies the other evening. I didn’t feel like cooking that night; so I decided to buy a pizza. As I got to the frozen food cabinet, a young Japanese woman thrust a frozen lasagna meal box in my face and asked (in a curt, demanding,no nonsense manner)

“Is this delicious”?

“I don’t know, sorry”, I answer.

“Not delicious”? She asked. She looked like child who has just gotten bad news about her puppy. She turned to her friend who also looked saddened. I felt as if I were in a scene from Haruki Murakami novel.

“It’s probably eatable and possibly tasty but I doubt it would be delicious”

“Oh”.

Silence.

I looked for a pizza.

She tapped me on the shoulder. She had a determined look on her face as she made a grand sweeping game show hostess gesture towards the doors of the frozen food cabinet.

“There MUST BE SOMETHING DELICIOUS in HERE!” she declared.

And then, “What are you getting it?”
“A pizza”
“Is it delicious”?
“I hope so”
“We’ll get one too!”
And with that we went our separate ways.

The pizza wasn’t delicious. It was ok. It was better than the pizzas you can from the major big chain pizza places. But it wasn’t delicious.

Nerdbirds

One day I awoke and I was a nerdbird. And so I flew off to Nerdbidland where I hung out with all the other nerdbirds. We did nerdbird things. And we sang nerdbird songs. We had nerdbird fun under the nerdbird sun. And we made sweet nerdbird love under the bright nerdbird moon.When I slept I dreamt nerdbird dreams. And then one day, I was a nerdbird no more. I was an old man with the memories of Nerdbirdland in my heart.

A Six Word Story

Chihuahua barked all night. Owner dead.

I Lunched In Cabravale Park.

I lunched in Cabravale Park.I sat on a wall and observed the young, the old, the mad, the bold, the boorish, the snoring, the boring, the bored ,the runners, the basket-ballers, the dreamers, the schemers the homeless, the haters, the kiss-and cuddlers, the beauties, the beasts, the thinkers, the stinkers, the tai-chiers, the, the spirits, dragons, demons, angels, trees, grass, birds, ants, and worms.

The People You Meet In The Library

I'm at the library, there's a guy few PCs down, who looks like Bukowski (if Buke had lived to be in his late 70s/early 80's and if Buke had been a gamer) - this guy is playing Civilisation (I think -or something like it) and he's swearing louder and more fouler than a group of pre-teens playing at an internet cafe. He's abusing the game, he called over a librarian and is abusing the librarian because of a lack of upgrades,  and he's on his mobile abusing someone from a phone company - "You're all a bunch of f*cking idiots!" What a gruff, surly cantakerous cur ...I wonder if he writes any poetry.